A glossy fairway of hairless skin atop his head is the man's defining feature. The hair still left on the sides of his head is a slate gray color. He also sports a full beard trimmed short to his skin. The beard has a lighter gray color compared to the rest of his hair.
His body frame is quite lean and appears to be athletic in nature, similar to the composure of someone that runs as a hobby. His dress is comprised of a clean white polo shirt with fine textured ribbing on it; light tan, pleated, wool slacks, and a thin brown belt that only filled half the width of a belt loop.
He sets up a laptop on top of a box that is above a small brown table. His eyes peer past his small circular glasses and become fixed onto the screen of the black laptop. He quickly moves his finger back and forth across the touch pad stopping only to click a button. After a minute of maintaining this focus, he lifts his right foot a few feet into the air and rests it on the table. Once in his new position, his focus continues along with the fevered usage of the touch pad.
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6 comments:
I wish I would have included more action oriented observation about the gentleman. I provide a pretty good description, but feel I only tease a bit with an actual account of actions.
This was a good observation. However, I felt it could have been a little longer. Try describing where this took place and etc. Watch out for sentences like this one, "appears to be athletic in nature, similar to the composure of a person that runs a lot." Your making a statement based on your own point of view. Stay away for phrases like that. But overall it was a good piece.
Great observation. I loved line about the belt only filling half of the loop.
There was only one vague part about the man's body. The words were not as strongly descriptive as the rest of the post.
This was a really good observation. You gave great adjectives to describe the "man with the laptop".
I would suggest that you offer more description of the environment you are both in...without mentioning yourself of course.
"His body frame is quite lean and appears to be athletic in nature, similar to the composure of someone that runs as a hobby"....
I thought that you implied a lot here. By just stating he has an athletic build and possibly describing his athletic features provides more of an observation feel. Try to avoid the implication of him being a runner. Good stuff.
The description of the man is great. The details are so precise and I really get a good idea of his appearance. I think the description is the strongest part of this piece.
I found myself wanting to know more about the setting. You might consider adding details about where this took place and how it looked/smelled/felt, etc.
I like the use of imagery but be careful with metaphors such as "A glossy fairway of hairless skin atop his head is the man's defining feature."
Analogies can be useful, but sometimes they require too much interpretation. While linguistically intriguing, they leave too much to the imagination. Does they "glossy fairway of hairless skin" mean to imply that his has divots on his head? Does he have hair on the sides but not just the top?
In this style a phrase like "he was bald on the top of his head, but the sides were covered with short, coarse brown hair. The top of his head was shiny and bumpy. While it did not have any large abnormalities, it was porous and a a few thin small hair were scattered on it."
"His body frame is quite lean and appears to be athletic in nature, similar to the composure of someone that runs as a hobby. " - this is a more effective use of comparison
Tell us more about the laptop and the box as well as the scene.
Good use of imagery, it just needs to be extended.
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